Ahem. It’s come to my attention that some people reading this column think that kinky sex just means getting tied to a bed and spanked. Now I admit, that’s my preference, but there’s so much more to it!

There are literally dozens, if not hundreds of ways to have kinky sex, and in my humble opinion, it’s vitally important that you memorize each and every one of them.

Why? Well, suppose you find yourself in bed with a really hot woman and/or man (depending on your personal preference and/or mood) and he or she or they whisper, “Let’s do something wild and kinky tonight.”

What would you say? (Besides, “Yes, yes, oh god, yes!” obviously.) Would you be able to come up with a fabulous menu of delectable choices for your panting partner? Or would you be stumped, and end up stuck with plain old same-old?

Well, worry no more! Just follow these simple directions and you’ll have kinky ideas for years. I have taken all of the major kinky activities and fetishes and set them to music especially for you. Just sing, sing, sing your way to kink!

Ready? Here we go…

THE GREAT BIG LIST OF KINKY STUFF

(To be sung to the tune of “The Mexican Hat Dance”)

Oh there is…

Bondage and piercing, and panties and dildos,
Spanking and corsets and whips.
Dominance, tickling, and make believe rapists,
Breath control, feet, nipple clips.

Discipline, pony play, lingerie, toys,
Dripping hot wax, and tattoos,
Schoolgirls in knee socks, and slave girls from Gor,
Cross dressers in high heeled shoes.

Polyamory, leather, exhibitionism,
Submission, The Story of O,
Then there’s voyeurs and lawyers and cock rings and stockings,
CBT, you might not want to know.

There are Daddies and Masters and Mommies and Aunts,
Femdoms with strap-ons and crops,
Kidnapping pirates, and sadists and Sirs,
Mistresses, Goddesses, Tops.

Then there’s bad boys and masochists, brats whining, SAMs,
Tops from the bottom, french maids,
Painsluts, and sissyboys, captives and babies,
And subs who just want to get laid.

Body modification, forced feminization,
And handcuffs and liquid latex,
Electricity, clover clamps, fisting, plaid skirts and knives.
I’m set to take the worst
But I have a question first
After the fancy stuff
(some of it’s pretty rough)
Then do we get to the sex?

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