I will also write what being a sub does not mean – click here.
It intrigues me to visit and read sites by other BDSM bloggers and see how their relationships work. I am amazed by the diversity of opinion and thought on the matter of what BDSM is, and what it is not. Fortunately there is room for differing opinions and no one seems to feel that their way is the only way (with the possible exception of some Goreans I have known).
This in mind, I thought I would write a pair of essays explaining my opinions on submission: specifically, my perspective on what submission is and what it is not.
Freedom to Be Myself: For my purposes, submission and living within the confines of a 24/7 BDSM relationship is much more about freedom than it is about imprisonment. Though that statement is somewhat counterintuitive, I know that fellow lifestylers know exactly what I mean. A collared submissive is free to be her (his) true self, complete with flaws and shortcomings, all the time knowing that there is a safety net ready to catch her when she falls.
Security: Tying in to the above sentiment, security comes with the knowledge that the Dominant partner is taking care of things – In my case, often things that I’m not particularly skilled with such as paying the bills. He also takes excellent care of me by making sure that my car stays in working order and other similar things that leave me with a very strong feeling of security.
Growth: With the potential of a certain amount of selfishness, the submission that is required of me gives me tremendous opportunities for growth. I don’t always get what I want, and I have come to learn that is actually a good thing.
Femininity: Submission means that I am able to embrace my femininity without ever having to put on a brave face. I am able to be as feminine, nurturing, loving, and vulnerable as I am naturally inclined to be. He never expects me to be the tough partner in our relationship.
Sexual Freedom: Growing up in a small and ultraconservative southern town, I was raised with a strong aversion to sexuality. I don’t know that I ever would have found sexual gratification except at the hands of a Dominant who demanded that I do things and participate in acts that would have shocked my grandmother’s hair another color. Of course, I like them when I’m forced to do them. . . but there is another entire essay in that topic alone.
Good Girl Moments: Most of us enjoyed the attention our parents and teachers gave us as kids when we did something right. Sadly, society doesn’t provide much in the way of positive feedback for adults. But as a submissive, I have the opportunity to go and do something nice for my Dom and have him respond with praise and love. It really makes me feel great inside. (And I wish my boss would do that too! He knows that I would lay down in front of a locomotive for him, but he hardly ever tells me what a good girl I am.)
Accountability: This is a big thing with me. It is important to my psyche that I am aware that there are consequences for my actions. Often the outside world provides no relief for a guilt-ridden subbie who feels that she has somehow fallen short of expectations. But having a Dom around who will whip my tail if I don’t get to work on time (or other little infractions like that), keeps everything running smoothly in my life.
Satisfaction: For me there is a tremendous amount of satisfaction that comes from knowing that I am my partner’s helpmate, his lady love, and his soulmate. It makes me feel great inside when I know that I’ve done something to help him, to support him, or to make him proud. It also feels great when I know that he’s happy because I bring him joy. (Many couples I know bring each other more sorrow than joy – but I know I wouldn’t be given an opportunity to go far down that road before I had my backside handed to me!)
This list is far from exclusive, but it touches on the main themes that run through my life and my experiences. You’ll notice that I don’t mention anywhere about losing touch with myself or my own desires and goals in life. Nor do I mention anything about complete subservience or passivity. However, I will save the discussion of what submission is NOT for tomorrow.